Overthinking kept me from going on solo dates for years. When I was married, I worried a simple solo movie date would cause an argument. There were other times when the idea of going somewhere by myself sparked feelings of guilt for not spending every moment with my family. It was just easier not to go, and I ultimately talked myself out of them.
After my divorce, I decided there was no reason I couldn’t treat myself every other weekend. I made a list of the places I wanted to go and things I wanted to do. As I read over the list, I began to dwell on all the worst-case scenarios. I cringed at the idea of walking into a restaurant and hearing the hostess ask, “How many?” It was a not so gentle reminder that I was all alone. Then I wondered if people would judge me for my lack of company. Would people watchers write their own story of a lonely girl with no man and no friends with me as their main character? Thoughts of parking nightmares and getting myself from point A to point B without getting lost took over. And again, I talked myself out them.
One Friday night, I grabbed takeout and binged the first season of “Emily in Paris.” I enviously watched her go on adventures. I wished I had her ability to go despite being afraid or overwhelmed. Mid-season, I realized my loneliness was self-inflicted. It was time to get out there and create my own happiness. I felt inspired to face my fears and try a new Italian place in my favorite part of town.
The next weekend, I got all dressed up and ready to go. I grabbed my keys, turned toward the door, and dread suddenly washed over me. I overthought all the what ifs as I locked the door. Thanks to MapQuest, I questioned my ability to read a map or follow GPS and feared I would inevitably get lost. To my surprise, I found it easily and there was plenty of parking. In fact, I pulled into an empty parking lot. A new wave of worries hit me. Sitting at an empty table was bad enough, I couldn’t imagine how ridiculous I’d feel sitting in an empty restaurant. Naturally, I backed out of the spot, grabbed fast food, and watched “Eat. Pray. Love” from the comfort of my own home. Afterwards, I decided in order to be adventurous like Emily, I needed a journey of self-discovery and healing like Liz.
Journaling helped get my thoughts out of my head and on to paper. I expressed my worries and fears more freely. Celebrations of small wins and progress over perfection became more frequent. Gratitude lists got longer. It created a safe space to explore my thoughts and feelings without judgement. I understood my triggers and fears better. Then I recognized which of my strengths I needed to tap into to help me overcome them. Reflection became my best friend.
Here are some of my tried-and-true journal prompts that helped me understand my fears of solo dating. Then I recommend following these up with prompts to guide you towards finding solutions and standing in your power.
- What am I afraid of? (being unsafe, judged, loneliness, awkwardness, people’s perceptions, etc.)
- What’s the worst thing that could happen to me?
- What thoughts immediately come to mind when I think about walking into a space alone?
- Have I ever judged someone for being alone in public?
- What type of solo dates do I find less intimidating?
- What would make a solo date more cozy and less scary?
- What routine can I put in place to get grounded?
- What’s one fear I can challenge rather than eliminate entirely?
- What’s one act of courage I can practice this week?
- What’s my definition of confidence?
- What do I have in common with my definition of confidence?
- How can I feel more confident during my solo date?
- How do I want to feel after solo date?
For shy girls, overthinkers, or anyone seeking self-discovery, reflection and journaling can quietly build your confidence. It reminds us that our thoughts matter, our feelings deserve our attention, and our souls are worth exploring. We don’t need to have the perfect words or the most beautiful notebook. All we need is to start small, stay consistent, and give our thoughts a safe place to land.